I have let school completely consume me. It is not a good thing. I have been de-senstized to anything important in life. I have fallen into this cycle, this pattern, and I am experiencing nothing really new.
At least I give myself weekends off from school, but even then, no matter what adventure I take or have, it seems to relate to school. Or I make it do so. This city just reminds me of that. I can't believe I have let it take over my life. Every weekday I got ot my classes, and then I come home, sleep, eat, or study. I have been on this cycle for the past month. Monday, I gave myself a day off, and it felt so wrong, I felt like i should be doing some kind of school work, and that feeling is a shitty one, I'll tell you that.
I don't know what was different from high school, but then, I had a seperate life from school. And even my school life benefitted everything, because I was finding myself. Now, however, I am so consumed with school work that I have no time to actual do significant thinking. Sure I can stuff all this information into my head, but can I actually think for myself. That's what I'm missing, thinking for myself. My mind is full of knowledge, yet there is not a thought of my own in there, and that is sad.
I think even the things I do think are follow the pattern society has made for us. I'm being a good student, a good late teenager (by good I mean typical). My brain is focused on school on the weekdays, I get weekends off to hang out with friends and go to dances parties, I have a boyfriend, I have my homemade teen drama with my boy (all in my head), I'm super dependent, I'm insecure - so insecure I chopped off all my hair to try to make myself a person I am not. I am a robot in disguise. I'm doing what I'm told - not by my parents, not by myself, but more by society's standards.... and the fact that i cut my hair to be more "different" and less typical shows me falling even more deeper into the typical teenager persona.
Ha, look at this journal for instant... another clear example of this pattern. I keep realizing what I'm doing, but i don't ever change it. I don't know how, once your in it you just sort of keep going. Once you've gotten so far, you figure why stop now, might as well finish it off. However, I don't think it really ever ends, unless you choose for it to do so. After college you can choose to do more schooling, or go get a job, or, or you can do the unlikely and travel or join the peace corps... but will I ever be able to get off the cylce. Maybe.
Hopefully, I will be able to get off this track soon and start thinking for myself again. Hopefully, this is just a side effect of the constant Testing and numerous papers I've had to do. And hopefully, I will actually learn from this. As for now, the pattern must continue till the end of the week. Then I get a couple weeks off, and then it will start again. Ha. Ahhh this loop is fantastic. School now.
