You're Not Alone

Do you ever stop and realize that you are not the only one living on this planet? At the same time I am typing this, someone else is dying, some little kids are playing soccer while their parents are watching, someone is sitting on a plane flying over me, etc, etc. It's so weird. I was just sitting in the car as my dad was driving and I saw this little kid soccer game, and a bunch of people... and for some reason I guess I realized how disconnected me and those people at that game's lives were. We all have our own problems to worry about and our own concerns to concern ourselves over. I guess for a brief moment we were connected as I looked over and viewed them... but other than that none of those people's lives will effect my life or play any role in my life and same goes to say vise versa. It is just weird to think about that. Or when I was flying to maryland, I thought of all the people underneath me who know and care nothing of my existance. 6.4 billion people on the earth, all living their individual lives... I don't know it is just really weird when you actually think about it. I got to thinking about what could one person do in life that would defy those odds. As an environmentalist... I guess I am working for the people, but there would not really be any tie between me and the people... no one would ever know about my existance or view my work. As an artist, I suppose there is more of a relationship, like if you did a show or put your artwork up at a coffee shop. All the people that enter that place will see your work and in that sense will be connected to you. Or if I was a fashion designer, most likely I would not get any fame because that field is so compatetive... but if I did get somewhat famous off of that or if I did just become someone's stylist or pieced together outfits for magazines... then all those little girls who read those teen magazines would somehow be connected. Hmm... I don't know it is just weird and something I have been thinking about. I guess becasue so many people, including myself, get so involved in their own lives and do not ever realized or acknowledge how many other lives are going on at the same time. It makes you feel so small, it is weird somewhat sad to think, but at the same time somewhat theraputic. Does one life really matter? It does to an extent, but then it really doesn't. I don't know... I'm really dumb.

Learning to Let Go

“So let go, so let go, jump in, oh well what are you waiting for, it’s alright, cause there’s beauty in the breakdown”

So all my life I have had a problem with being able to let go of things. For this reason I’ve always considered myself a “past-oriented” person. I constantly dwell on things of the past and many times this leads me to “beating myself up” for making certain mistakes. I guess in this sense, I am in constant regret. Always wishing and wondering: If I had just done this or that, or if I could just go back in time and do this or that. I am sure this is not healthy for me, but I do not know how to stop myself. I can’t seem to hold on to things physically, but I hold on to so many things mentally, but I do not know how to let go of it. When my mind wanders, it likes to wander to the past. So how do you control a mind from wandering?

I think what I have to do is just accept that that is who I am, and that I cannot really change it. Maybe when I finally accept it, I can overcome it. I once tried to forcefully change the person I was and that was probably one of the worst mistakes I have made in my life. It left me feeling depressed and hopeless. I stopped accepting who I was and started thinking that I was bad for being the person I was. I must admit, that the implication that it was bad to be that way was not fully brought on by my own doings; I had outside influence of people who seemed to look down upon the kind of person I was. So many times I was told, “I think too much”, “I’m just beating a dead horse”, or “we’re just going in circles”. It really made me feel horrible for being they way I was, and being “negative”. Now, I do know that it is not healthy for me to hold on to things like I do, but I also know now that I cannot just suddenly try and force myself to be a different way. Also, it comes into question with what is actually wrong with the way I am. Who is to say what is the wrong way to be and the right way to be?

Bringing this topic to current issues, I have recently been dealing with an event that set me back or maybe took me a step forward as a person. A somewhat recent break up with someone I grew very close to left me completely devastated. In the past four or five months, I have been dealing with letting go of the hurt and trying to move on. In most people’s minds it has taken me a long time to get over this guy, but there are a few who have been through similar situations and understand that this is a slow a gruesome process for some. I feel like I am finally beginning to fully let go. However, in recent days, I feel like I have been preventing myself from letting go. I do not really know why, but I feel like I should not be letting go so quickly. I feel like I should keep holding on to past memories and wants. I cannot really tell if me “letting go” is actually me letting go or just me avoiding, but knowing my nature, I suppose, I am assuming it is more of the latter. Although I know many people who do just choose to avoid problems as long as they possibly can, I know avoiding the problem is not good because it will come back haunt a person, so I try and make myself sit down and face the facts and really deal with the issue. However, right now I am confused if my mind is actually naturally letting go, but my conscious is making me continue to hold on, or if I am really not ready to let go. Whatever the case, this is one area of myself that I really need to work on.