Rejection

Prelude:

It is always those tumultuous times which inspire one to write. But really, it is humorous because my whole life is definitely not one happy story. It's actually far from that: Across the world, across the galaxy, across the universe. Maybe too tumultuous makes you numb, or more likely, in denial. You don't want to go near that. Oh, no. You want to stay as far away from that issue as possible. If you were to dig deeper into that - or even to move a step closer - your whole world would fall to pieces. So instead, you focus on other, more trivial, but for some subconscious reasons, more stressful issues. A lesser stress to distract you from the major stress.

But because I don't want to indulge, contemplate, or even give a second thought about my real fear, I am going to focus this paper on one of those lesser fears. So minor in comparison, but sometimes it seems just as painful. I can dig real deep, pick at this scab until it bleeds. The other, on the other hand, is an explosive lodged inside of me. Pressure (or more so, ignorance) is the only thing preventing it from going off. If any slight movement is made, or if it is touched in any way, my heart would explode or collapse. So we'll steer clear from that issue.

Rejection:

"The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears."  - John Steinbeck, East of Eden

That nine letter word is not only feared by children, but by men and women alike.  It may be more hurtful to women because many do not take it lightly.  We dwell on it, and it leaves a permanent scar on our hearts that we can pick at, or that might flare up at any given point if irritated.  It could just be 'one of those days' that causes irritation, or worse, we might bump into an ex (assuming he was the one who broke up with us, of course).  And in today's online-social-networking society, it's even worse.  That scar can become inflamed without even a lift of our finger.  An ex's change of relationship status from 'single' to 'in a relationship' or even to just 'it's complicated', will bring us to tears, or at least have us walking with a heavier step.  And there's no way to avoid it.  You log on and bam: there it is staring you in the face.  I guess some online programs have made clever ways to avoid certain people, but they will still show up in a photo on the side of your homepage.  Hell, even exes who don't have an Internet persona will stillshow up looking smug with their new girlfriend in a photo.  It is a small world, especially when you confine it to a single website.  

It is just upsetting that now, not only do you have to worry about bumping into and ex in the physical world, but you have to worry about bumping into them in the cyber world.  And what are you supposed to do?  Deactivate your account?  Deactivate your life?  But then he might think that you are pathetic.  Six months after breaking up, and you're still hurt?  No.  You cannot take that option.  You cannot show him that you are weak.  You cannot surrender like that.  

But this paper isn't about online networking programs.  Although that is what inspired me to write it.  That dreadful ex (if you can call him that), that boy that I was never able to win over, who I was so, so grateful that he didn't have a facebook, recently made my nightmare come true and joined facebook and added me as a friend.  And what else was I to do but accept.  I do eventually want to be friends after all (if I can ever get over the rejection).  And I don't want to let him know that after half a year, I'm still bothered.  I want to seem strong and perfectly fine (as we all do).  But that brought me to my major dilemma.  How long do we have to keep trying to impress those who rejected us?

I am guilty of, after having accepted his friend request, going through my facebook photos and deleting the ones that were not so great.  I do want him to remember me fondly, right?  But, NO!  I shouldn't have to cater to that bullshit.  Who cares!  (I care.)  But I shouldn't!  (But I do.)  I stopped myself after deleting five photos and forced myself to step away from the computer.  He spent a year with me.  If he didn't like me in that time, it's not like a polished facebook profile is going to change is mind.  (But maybe it will.  Maybe it will at least remind him of what he missed out on.)

Seriously though:  How long will this constant need or want to impress an ex go on?  I'm not sure, but judging how my mom suddenly got all perky and touchy-feely with my step dad when she met up with my real dad after 20 years of divorce, judging from that, something tells me it will be a while.  And... 20 years!?!...  it will be the rest of my life.

Now, don't get me wrong, sometimes this rejection can fuel and motivate women to do amazing things.  It can motivate them to travel, volunteer, and do all those things they've always wanted to do in their life.  And all it took to inspire them to take action was mixing rejection with the need for self-validation, and add a little vengeance and a little bit of 'This would show them!' mentality.  We often hate to admit that this component is there, and maybe it is just more of an afterthought- a "if he could only see me now!", delivered after the actions are taken, but either way, part of it is there.

I'm sure there's a way to break out of this.  To stop trying to impress them.  To stop trying to make them think that you are better off now then you were with them.  To let them see that you are only human.  The only solution I've thought of where I could find myself being OK with that dreaded ex, is to find someone equally good or better than him.  Sigh: but that's still trying to impress him or out do him.  Maybe there is no solution.  Maybe we just have to deal with this weakness of ours and accept it, like we have come to accept so many others.  Maybe, if you keep obsessing and fine tuning your online profile, maybe then you will earn the status of: "The one that got away."  Maybe.