So in these last two years, I have experienced two different types of happiness which coincided with two different ways of thinking. One type of happiness could be seen as a somewhat “false” feeling. I was happy, but oblivious to everything around me accept myself and to somewhat petty things. In addition, during this time I seemed to have confidence issues. Before this, however, I was not necessarily unhappy, but I was pessimistic and had a somewhat negative attitude towards certain aspects of life. At this time of negativity, however, I was very happy and confident with myself. Right now, due to recent events, I have to deal with and decide what kind of happiness I want, which out of the two is better for me. Of course, in ideality I could have both, and maybe when I was younger I was able to be both oblivious to things and confident, but I feel now I can only have one without the other. In this sense, it is a trade off for me: Happy Ignorance or Confident Pessimism.
Two years ago, I was one of the most confident and independent teenage girls around. No one has probably met a seventeen year old girl as confident as me. I held my head up high as I fashionably strutted around the hallways of my high school. I felt a bit superior to all the other people around me with their petty self-centered troubles. Crying over failed relationships and broken nails was never my cup of tea. In a city full of wealthy spoiled conservative teenagers, I was different. I was liberal, passionate, and I was concerned about more important things: the destruction of the environment, the starving children in overpopulated countries, the endangered species of the world, and the corrupt politicians leading our nation. I was as much of an activist as a person from the suburbs could be: forming environmental clubs, posting environmental quotes around my school, making artwork with political statements, attending political protests, making and distributing arm bands in protest of the war, joining political activists clubs, and refraining from conforming with my fellow students. My pleather backpack displayed a “Fake for the animal’s sake” sticker on it and was covered in green party buttons, environmental rights stickers, and buttons of underground bands. I felt like I had so much going for me, and I probably did at the time. However, sometimes people thought of me as a “downer”: always feeding them with bits of environmental and political facts. I never really saw myself as pessimistic, however, and instead I saw myself as a realist. I was a strong, independent girl who felt like she knew her way around the world. I may have felt the world was screwed and thought that I could never truly be happy because of how corrupt the world was, but in reality I was happy. However, it is questionable whether my confidence was a false confidence built from a false sense of superiority. At the time I did not think so, but this idea soon came into question and as soon as it did I began questioning myself. In the span of a year, I turned completely around and became one of those people I used to despise. Before I go on to describing my transition I wanted to make one important note that while I was in this independent phase, I had myself a boyfriend who of course I never referred to as my boyfriend. This piece of information will play an important factor in future events.
Entering college I still had the confidence factor. In my college entrance essay I described myself as a passionate, caring, and opinionated person. Ralph Waldo Emerson’s Self Reliance was my bible. However, after a few months in a school full of thousands of independent students like myself, I began to loose my sense of independence and started to feel equal and non-special. I felt that everyone was the same and experienced the same emotions, and I felt that I melded into the crowd. I started to doubt myself and my ways. I guess since I did not feel that “special” quality anymore I did not feel that confidence with the way I was. On top that, I started to somewhat envy the people I used to deem as ignorant and sometimes I wished I could be like them: carefree and worriless. Little did I know that in just a years time my wish would be granted.
My identity was completely lost and altered in the year of 2004. I went from being one of the most confident girls around to one of the most insecure girls around: from being independent and not wanting a boyfriend, to being needy and clinging to my boyfriend. I don’t know how I made the transition or what exactly caused it, but throughout that year my confidence took a huge drop, and along with my confidence fell my passion. No longer was I concerned with politics and no longer did I have a strong desire to have an impact on the environment. But by the end of the year I only concerned myself with my relationship with my boyfriend and my family. I guess it’s not a bad thing that I focused more on my family as compared to how I was before, but I don’t think it was healthy for me. I grew extremely dependent on my boyfriend. I suppose I was finally happy and carefree in the sense that I no longer worried about the starving children and about nations being raped by other nations. Now I just put my time and effort into “fixing” my relationship with my boyfriend. The girl who didn’t believe in love, suddenly felt like she was in love. I was probably the hugest hypocrite ever, being so critical before and then becoming those that I criticized. This false sense of happiness and security was soon ripped away and destroyed when my boyfriend broke up with me at the end of the year and began seriously dating another girl only a week later. I had my “heart broken” and suffered an extreme amount of petty pain from this event. To this day I am still dealing with it, but I am realizing how petty it is. And that brings me to where I am now, on the edge of both ways of thinking, a fork in the road and I must decide which path to choose now. Should I become oblivious but “carefree” or should I be pessimistic but confident?
As of now, I feel the latter is the better. Actually a happy medium would be the best, but finding that happy medium and actually taking the actions and making the effort to become that is the part that’s hard. I think it is easy to fall into one of the extremes, but it is hard to find the balance in between the two and maintain it. How does one concern themselves with environmental and humanitarian issues and not let themselves get too down about how the world is? How do you avoid disappointment when it seems that so few people truly care? How do you maintain your own independent identity and ideas amongst a crowd of people just like you? How do you get yourself to quit comparing yourself with others and just be happy with yourself? How do you realize that everyone is the same and yet each individual is unique? How do you build confidence without a feeling of superiority and arrogance? Is there even a way to balance the two or does everyone who has some confidence have some arrogance? Is arrogance even that bad of a thing to have?
I have to figure these questions out in order to figure out what I want out of life. I am so confused though on what I would like, and therefore, I don’t really know what actions I should be taking. I guess do know the answers to most of the questions posed above, but things are so much easier said than done. If one could see the bright side of things, see that there is change and there are people and things being done to help the environment and feed of that positive outlook; this would solve the first two problems. The third question is just a matter of doing. Just don’t compare and be happy with yourself. I know it can be done because I think I used to be like that, at least with physical attributes. I never once compared my physical attributes to another; the mere thought of even doing this never even dawned in my head. However, I think I did mildly compare my intelligence level and I took pride in my grades, but I don’t know if that was necessarily a bad thing. Is pride a bad thing? It is listed as one of the seven sins. The question about arrogance and confidence still completely baffles me. I have no idea about the answer to that because to me a sense of confidence coincides with arrogance. I guess that will be one of those philosophical questions that never have a right answer and that I will be left to wonder forever. So now all I have to do is follow my own advice? All I can say is that it is so, so much easier said than done.
